Sometimes The Only Solution Is Figuring Out

The Problem With Dating A Model Is They Won't Go Out With You If Your Cars Color Doesn't Match Their Outfit.

I Was Doing Comedy In Laundry Mats In 1992, Literally Where I Would Bring A Little Gorilla Amp And A Lapel Mike And Just Start Performing.

Ex-girlfriends Will Find Themselves In My New Routine. Sometimes They Like That, And Sometimes They Definitely Do Not. But Comedians Should Come With A Giant Warning Or Disclaimer: If You Date Me, It Will Be In My Act.

Video Games Don't Make People Go Nuts. I Played Super Mario Forever. Not Once Hopping On A Turtle Or Smash My Head Through A Brick Ceiling.

Listening To Evanescence Makes Me Want To Break Up With A Girl In Real Time As A Giant Antique Hourglass Falls To The Floor In Slow Motion.