This Is Frank Carson, News At Ten,

A Man Walked Into A Shop And Asked, "how Much Are Your Eggs?" He Said "£1.40 A Dozen". He Then Asked: "how Much Are Your Cracked Ones?" He Said: "35p". He Said: "crack Us Four Dozen."

A Traffic Policeman Stops Sister Bridget For Speeding. She Pulls Into The Side Of The Road And Winds Down Her Window. The Officer Walks Round And Starts Undoing His Fly. "oh Dear," She Says, "not The Breathalyser Again."

A Girl Asks Her Doctor, "doctor, I've Forgotten To Take My Contradictory Pill!" The Doctor Says: "are You Ignorant?" The Girl Says: "yes, Three Months!"

My Father Fought In World War I And Single-handedly Destroyed The Germans' Line Of Communication. He Ate Their Pigeon.

I Have A Pacemaker In, But It Doesn't Work Very Well, Because Every Time I Fart The Garage Door Opens.