When A Guy Says "i Have No

I'm Not Giving Up On Life. I'm Giving Up On Today.

When You Hand Someone A Camera, Why Do They Act Like You Just Asked Them To Dissemble A Bomb? They Take It And They're Like, 'what Do I Do ... I Don't Really ... Ha-huh ...' Yeah, It's The Button On The Top Right Where It Always Is Since The Beginning Of #*@! Time!

If You Have To Be At Work At 8, It's Always Like, 7:54. Just Enough Time To Do Nothing. To Just Lay There And Go, "i Can't Do Anything! I Can't Even Have An English Muffin!

Ex-girlfriends Will Find Themselves In My New Routine. Sometimes They Like That, And Sometimes They Definitely Do Not. But Comedians Should Come With A Giant Warning Or Disclaimer: If You Date Me, It Will Be In My Act.

I Work With A Lot Of Kids. Every Year, For The Past Fifteen Years, I Work At Comedy Camp Where I Work With A Lot Of Kids.