Whenever Your Kids Are Out Of Control,

Racial Humor Was About 35% Of My Act When I First Started. But I Realized That It Was A Crutch. What Brought It Home Was When Another Comedian Said To Me, 'if You Changed Color Tomorrow, You Wouldn't Have Any Material.' He Meant It As A Put-down, But I Took It As A Challenge.

Why Do I Have To Feed The Kids? They Just Ate Twelve Hours Ago!

'don't Worry About Senility', My Grandfather Used To Say.

Always End The Name Of Your Child With A Vowel, So That When You Yell The Name Will Carry.

Is The Glass Half Full, Or Half Empty? It Depends On Whether You're Pouring, Or Drinking.