Yesterday, I Masturbated For 45 Minutes... With

My Dad Doesn't Get Any Of My Jokes. He Laughs At Them, But He Doesn't Understand Them. He's Just Laughing Because People Around Him Are Laughing.

My New Year's Resolution Was To Stop Saying 'you Go, Girl' To Myself.

I Don't Know What My Assistant Would Do Besides Get Me Pot.

I Think If They Put A Laugh Track On 'intervention,' It Would Be Funny.

I Watch A Happy Person Doing Stand-up, And I Go, "what The Hell Is This? This Person's Happy!" You Need Internal Conflict. You Need The Guy To Be Out Of Step With Society. It's A Tool For Comedy.