Happiness Means Quiet Nerves.

Was I In Here Last Night And Did I Spend A $20 Bill? Oh, Thank Goodness... I Thought I'd Lost It.

Fields' Reply: He'd Think I Was A Sissy.

The Funniest Thing About Comedy Is That You Never Know Why People Laugh. I Know What Makes Them Laugh But Trying To Get Your Hands On The Why Of It Is Like Trying To Pick An Eel Out Of A Tub Of Water.

It Is Well To Remember That There Are Five Reasons For Drinking: The Arrival Of A Friend, One's Present Or Future Thirst, The Excellence Of The Cognac, Or Any Other Reason

I've Never Hit A Woman In My Life. Not Even My Own Mother.