I Am Taking The Applause Sign Home,

Happiness Is Discovering The Prune Juice Your Doctor Ordered You To Drink Has Fermented.

Nbc's A Little Jealous Of Cnn Correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They Want To Get A Reporter With A Macho-sounding Name Too, So They're Changing Irving R. Levine's Name To Scud Shrapnel.

There's A Lot Of Hypocrisy In Audiences. I'd Never Dream Of Telling Even On A Nightclub Stage, Let Alone My Show, Some Of The Jokes That Are Told In A Lot Of The Living Rooms From Which We Get Those Letters!

George Burns Has Been On My Show Twenty Or Thirty Times, Or Maybe More. How Can You Turn Down A Guy That Age?

I Loved The Towns I Grew Up In As A Boy, And After I Became A Celebrity, I Went Back Several Times. I Would Have Had The Time Of My Life Seeing The Old Places And The Old Faces Again, But The Attitude Of Those Same People Was, "i Guess You're So Big We Bore You Now."