I Can't Afford To Die; I'd Lose

If I Get Big Laughs, I'm A Comedian. If I Get Little Laughs, I'm A Humorist. If I Get No Laughs, I'm A Singer.

Lots Of People Have Asked Me What Gracie And I Did To Make Our Marriage Work. It's Simple - We Don't Do Anything. I Think The Trouble With A Lot Of People Is That They Work Too Hard At Staying Married. They Make A Business Out Of It. When You Work Too Hard At A Business You Get Tired; And When You Get Tired You Get Grouchy; And When You Get Grouchy You Start Fighting; And When You Start Fighting You're Out Of Business.

I'm At The Age Now Where Just Putting My Cigar In Its Holder Is A Thrill.

From Paris We Took The Orient Express To Vienna. I Must Say I Was Terribly Disappointed; Nobody Was Murdered On The Train.

As Long As You're Working, You Stay Young.