I Can't Afford To Die; I'd Lose

Old Age Is When You Resent The Swimsuit Issue Of Sports Illustrated Because There Are Fewer Articles To Read.

From Paris We Took The Orient Express To Vienna. I Must Say I Was Terribly Disappointed; Nobody Was Murdered On The Train.

I'm Onstage For An Hour.i Do An Hour Of Stand-up. Actually, I Do 10 Minutes Standing Up And 50 Minutes Sitting In A Chair. Oh, Occasionally, I Stand Up Again To Do A Dance Or Put Over A Song. But Mostly I Sit Down. A Great Invention, Sitting Down.

And God Said 'let There Be Satan, So People Don't Blame Everything On Me. And Let There Be Lawyers, So People Don't Blame Everything On Satan.'

If I Paid Ten Dollars For A Cigar, First I'd Make Love To It, Then I'd Smoke It.