I Don't Look Back. I'm Like A

My Husband And I Are Either Going To Buy A Dog Or Have A Child. We Can't Decide Whether To Ruin Our Carpet Or Ruin Our Lives.

I Never Panic When I Get Lost. I Just Change Where It Is I Want To Go.

At The End Of Every Year, I Add Up The Time That I Have Spent On The Phone On Hold And Subtract It From My Age. I Don't Count That Time As Really Living. I Spend More And More Time On Hold Each Year. By The Time I Die, I'm Going To Be Quite Young.

When A Woman Tries On Clothing From Her Closet That Feels Tight, She Will Assume She Has Gained Weight. When A Man Tries Something From His Closet That Feels Tight, He Will Assume The Clothing Has Shrunk.

My Grandmother Was A Very Tough Woman. She Buried Three Husbands And Two Of Them Were Just Napping.