I Was Going To Have Cosmetic Surgery

My Mother Was The Worst Cook Ever. In School, When We Traded Lunches, I Had To Throw In An Article Of Clothing.

I Don't Plan To Grow Old Gracefully. I Plan To Have Face-lifts Until My Ears Meet.

My Vegas Act Is How I Make My Money.

All Men Are Afraid Of Eyelash Curlers. They Don't Understand Them, And They Don't Want To Get Near Them. I Sleep With One Under My Pillow, Instead Of A Gun.

I Love To Write Jokes And That's All I Think About.