Nice To Be Here? At My Age

It's No Surprise That Things Are So Screwed Up: Everyone That Knows How To Run A Government Is Either Driving Taxicabs Or Cutting Hair.

In What Other Business Can A Guy My Age Drink Martinis, Smoke Cigars And Sing? I Think All People Who Retire Ought To Go Into Show Business. I've Been Retired All My Life.

It Takes Only One Drink To Get Me Drunk. The Trouble Is, I Can't Remember If It's The Thirteenth Or The Fourteenth.

Sex Is The Universal Language In Which Nobody Speaks; They Don't Have To.

If I Get Big Laughs, I'm A Comedian. If I Get Little Laughs, I'm A Humorist. If I Get No Laughs, I'm A Singer.